It's daunting, the twists and turns that life takes. Since my last post, not much has changed. Still separated. Still unemployed. Still trying to shine shit and call it gold as The Wire would say.
Yeah, I'm still going thru it. It's been crazy to say the least but I am forging on. I can't lie. I've been disappointed by many who I never thought would turn their backs. But you find out a lot about someone when your down. This includes family and those friends you never dared dream would do that shit. And then on the flip side: the people who you never thought could or would hold you down, do so and do so happily. Like I said, daunting.
For the first time in about 20 years, I had a beef with my Godbrother. Not that we always get along or agree but we usually don't have these kinds of beefs. But we talked it out and it's resolved now. The relationship has changed though, which makes me a little sad. My Godbrother has been my best male friend for most of those 20 years, we've been thru damn near everything that could be thrown our way. Of course, I knew he had flaws: major ones! But after turning a blind eye to them for so long, they became something you couldn't ignore. He's still family. Still my Godbrother. But with the changes I've been going through, it was inevitable that the way I look at him would change too. Tis life, I suppose.
If the last 6 months have taught me anything, it is that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I have truly been tested in all areas of life, lately. That's not to say there haven't been tears or desperation. There has been! In spades! I found out a lot about myself and those that I care about. Some of it wasn't so good, some of it was. I guess that's part of the journey.
In other news, the stress and lack of funds has whittled 30 pounds off my frame! I went from a 16 to an 8 since April! NOW THATS CRAZY!
When I get back to post again, hopefully it's more positive and uplifting. Can't see it being any darker, since this is the view from rock bottom folks.
"and our feelings just aren't feelings anymore,
they're just words that come from whispers
from people who don't know"
The real tragedy behind this summer's events (besides the obvious) is the toll that it has taken on the other relationships in my life. From my mother, to my father, to my brother, to cousins, friends and in-laws...everyone has an opinion and wants that opinion to be heard. I'm here to say now "KEEP THAT SHIT TO YOURSELF".
I know, I know...
I viewed my blog and the last time I posted, I was in the middle of my 30-something crisis. Yeah, since then-it's all broken WIDE OPEN. Not big on details but if you really wanna know how I feel, read on...
Since my last post, my hubby and I have separated. My youngest has started middle school. I left my job and started a new one. Oh, and I turned 37. Yessir...let's just try to swallow all of THAT now.
I really can not speak too much on the "why" me and hubby have split. I know why. I think he knows why. But trying to explain to family and friends has become a marathon. I began to tire of talking about it months ago. Like I said, this post is less about the details and more about the feelings. So how am I feeling?
I've only been asking myself the exact same question for the last few months now and honestly, I have no answer. Some days, I feel numb. This is not my life. This is not what my life has become. Other days, I feel strong. In the weeks leading up to school (after I got canned), I had ample time to spend with the child. We took care of school stuff. Got her situated at home. We cried on the bed when I told her her Dad had moved out. Yeah, it was a lot to go thru. But the greatest tragedy would be my child seeing her mother broken. Can't do that. So I smile through the tears and forge on.
As for my job, well my dissatisfaction with that joint was well documented, on here! I can't say that I was happy to leave (relieved, perhaps a better word) and I sure miss that $ but I'm now work-place, stress free. So, it's okay. The price of peace of mind.
My new job is at a law firm. It's a paycheck.
Turning 37 was uneventful. I didn't do much at all. Contemplated life and all of that. Got white-boy wasted (which was fun but necessary).
I am leaving this post with the question first posed to us by Johnny Gill and Stacey Lattisaw, "WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?"
ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST...
Another "friend" that is...
Wow, another 15+ year friend-gone over some petty BS! I must be setting some records or something!
Say It Ain't So!Yeah, in the midst of my mid-30's breakdown that I've been having...I went and got a Facebook page. Ain't that against EVERYTHING that I believe in: like, privacy? Well, yes! But f* it. Might as well go balls out *as the expression says*. I have a whopping 12 friends in the last week. And two requests from people I don't even know. Pretty funny if you ask me. So I take it for what it is and try not to be on it too much. But I did add the app to my iPhone. Hahahaha.
Sometimes Love...I can't remember a time that has been more emotionally draining than the last few months. Sure, I'd like to put out to the internet world that everything in my sphere is happy go lucky. I'm not going to do it. I've been going thru some times with hubby, family even friends...so I've been just tapped out.
The Battle Wages On...I have been overweight more than half my life now. At 5 feet even, a doctor once told me that my "ideal weight" was 100 pounds. Umm, ok, doc. I would look like tits on a stick. I think ideally, I could be 120 and be real happy. So that would be a bonafide 57 pounds to lose.Let's see, when I was in middle school - I was the same height I was now but I weighed 98 pounds. I didn't start putting real weight on until about the 11th grade. By the time I graduated high school, I was a size 6 or 8? Don't really remember but slim enough to wear those skinny ass Guess jeans that were in style back then. Got to college and well, you know the rest.I fluctuated up and down for years after that. Lost about 20 before I got pregnant with my daughter. Gained 50 while pregnant. Lost the baby weight and then some during the breakup. Got married and gained even more. And "more" is where I have been for oh, about 8 or 9 years.You tell yourself its the "happy, good life" weight that we all gain when we're eating whatever and got good lovin in our lives! You can roll with that excuse, but then you hit the point where you realize the frequent buyers card at Lane Bryant is worn down and the one pair of 14's has been upstaged by the two pairs of 16's. You're a big girl, face it.Well, no more. I am doing the damn thing now. I've got a steady work out buddy here at work and am hittin the gym 2 to 3 times a week! I've steadied my diet to not exclude myself from carbs but to keep them in check. And so far, I've lost a good 4 pounds in 2 weeks. That seems like it could stay off. I just need to maintain the plan. And then, when I am back down to the 120's... I will be so glad that I am not the fat mother in the bleachers tryin to catch her breath and sippin out of a super big gulp cup. Realistic time to lose the 57 pounds and keep it off=3 years or before my youngest goes to high school. I think I can do it. I'm tryin to be 40 and look like I'm 16 (if my gray hairs cooperate)!!!No, I'd really just like to be in a super low cut one piece by the summer of 2012 or even before. It's less about health (yeah, I said it!) than it is about vanity. I mean, I want to be healthy but I want to look good more. A swift kick in the ass and I'm on my way. I certainly won't be talking about it every post because I know it just doesn't happen that way- but I will keep you updated every now and then.